Trường Lạc’s voice trembled. This was the first time since I’d known her that I’d seen her so panicked.
As for me, it was as if I’d been struck over the head. I was too stunned to move.
I’d watched how Trường Lạc acted toward me. Since she never showed any resentment, I’d assumed she didn’t know why our parents had taken her heart’s blood.
So she knew all along, and still respected me as her elder sister?
I wanted to say something, but my consciousness scattered like duckweed on the water.
I felt all my strength draining away.
Was I about to die?
I was a little unwilling to go. I hadn’t yet taught Trường Lạc how to be a proper person; I hadn’t said a proper goodbye to our parents; I hadn’t seen that young man return; I hadn’t gone outside to see what it was like…
In the end, all my regrets were for nothing. I sank completely into darkness.
8.
The last thing I saw before I passed out was Trường Lạc’s panicked face. When I woke, another face greeted me, overcome with joy and tears.
Quân Dương suddenly clasped my hand tightly. His voice was hoarse as he spoke. “Khanh Khanh, you’re awake.”
It was only five short words, yet my vision suddenly blurred, and a bitter ache welled up in my heart.
Quân Dương had been the capital’s bright and noble young general, spirited and radiant as the sun.
I wasn’t allowed to leave the courtyard, so Quân Dương would climb over the walls or trees every time, doing everything he could to cheer me up and show me all the new things outside.
My dressing case and little drawers were stuffed with jewelry and clay figurines he’d given me.
He’d personally sought out a clay sculptor and studied under him for three months to make them: two chubby little children holding hands and laughing.
All this time, I hadn’t dared think too deeply about Quân Dương.
After I died, that radiant young man had fallen apart, drinking himself into a stupor. His blue-black hair had turned white overnight.
He was like a little sun, and yet he’d imprisoned Tống Trường Lạc, who looked half like me, and gone so mad he’d become a lunatic.
He’d harmed Trường Lạc and himself.
In the end, my undefeated young god of war had only to catch a fleeting glimpse of someone who looked like me on the battlefield and lose focus—and he was cut down from his horse.
How could I let that go? How could I ever forget?
At the thought, I could no longer hold back my feelings. I threw my arms around him. “Quân Dương!”
Tears streamed down my face. I could feel Quân Dương stiffen with confusion, but the relief and heart-wrenching pain I felt now brought me a strange kind of comfort.
Quân Dương pressed his lips together. His voice was still hoarse, but tender and full of longing. “Don’t be afraid. I’m here.”
Could it be that my fate really couldn’t be changed? I was so unwilling to accept it.
9.
I quickly composed myself, and some of the resentment in my heart faded.
From Quân Dương, I learned that I’d been unconscious for half a month. If he hadn’t brought back a royal treasure from the Western Regions to keep me alive, I would probably have been dead long ago.
As soon as Mother learned I’d woken, she immediately sent an urgent letter calling Father back to the residence. Before long, the courtyard was packed with people: the wet nurse who’d been with me since childhood, the maids who served me, my loving parents, and my childhood sweetheart.
The resentment left in my heart vanished completely.
Even if I couldn’t grow old alongside Quân Dương or stay by my parents’ side, I’d been cherished since childhood. That alone was a life many people could only wish for.
My gaze went straight to Tống Trường Lạc in the corner of the room.
Of all the people who cared about me, she seemed the least noticeable. I’d even overlooked her for so many years, never realizing that my younger sister cared about me too.
I beckoned to her. “Come here.”
Though my guidance had made Tống Trường Lạc much more confident, she still couldn’t help shrinking back when everyone in the room looked at her.
She bit her lip, but finally came to stand in front of me.
I hadn’t been able to see clearly from a distance, but now I noticed her eyes were red and brimming with tears.
She wanted to throw herself into my arms, but didn’t know where I was hurt. Flustered, she stood before me, stammering, “Elder Sister.”
I reached out to stroke her head, my gaze softening without my realizing it.
“Did I scare you when I fainted in front of you?”
She couldn’t hold back any longer and burst into tears.
I sighed softly and drew her into my arms.
I’d reached my fifteenth birthday this year, and she had only just turned thirteen. How could she not have been scared?
Seeing how close the two sisters were, everyone in the room looked taken aback.
Everyone knew about the recent rumors that my younger half-sister and I had been going out together, but no one had expected us to be so close.
Outside the window, the sky was clear, and warm sunlight slanted into the room, filling it with light and warmth.
I eased Tống Trường Lạc back a little, wiped her tears, took her hand, and looked at everyone.
“Trường Lạc is my own younger sister, and I love her dearly. From now on, you must never mistreat her.”
I looked at my parents. “If Trường Lạc hadn’t been there this time, I might not have been saved. From now on, she’s my lifesaver.”
Then I turned to Quân Dương beside me. “Trường Lạc is my younger sister, so she’s your younger sister too. You must protect her just as you protect me.”
My parents looked grief-stricken, and Quân Dương pressed his lips tightly together. Trường Lạc’s tears fell, drop by drop.
I hadn’t said a word about dying of illness, but everyone could guess some of what had happened during my long unconsciousness. The atmosphere in the room grew unbearably heavy.
I smiled mischievously and held out my pinky to everyone.
“Pinky promise.”
Everyone looked a little surprised, then answered me together. “Pinky promise.”
10.
My parents’ relationship with Trường Lạc improved considerably.
I could clearly see that Trường Lạc smiled more and more often.
By now she’d read countless books and had long since become the most accomplished of her generation. The noble young men who wanted to court her were practically breaking down our door.
But Trường Lạc didn’t lose herself in love. She still rushed around the streets every day, keeping up with the people’s circumstances, spotting business opportunities, and opening one shop after another. Even Father had to revise his opinion of her business sense.
Still, no matter how busy she was, Trường Lạc always made a point of coming to my courtyard.
Before, Quân Dương was the one who brought me all sorts of toys. Now there were two of them, and my room was nearly out of space for all the boxes.
I lay with my head in Trường Lạc’s lap as she looked over her account books and murmured, “Just focus on getting better, big sister. Once I’ve made lots of money, I’ll definitely find a way to cure you.”
I smiled and suddenly asked, “Don’t you hate me?”
“What?”
Trường Lạc didn’t understand at first.
“Did it hurt a lot?” I lifted my head and touched her chest.
In an instant, Trường Lạc understood.
She stared at me, beaming like a flower in bloom, and shook her head vigorously.
“Does it hurt a lot, big sister?” She gently ran her hand over my eyes and chest, then finally stopped at my stomach.
“I often saw you in so much pain that your eyes turned red. Even when you tried to hide it, I saw you with chest pains so bad you couldn’t get up. And sometimes you’d be in so much pain that you had to throw up in the middle of the night…”
She was clearly smiling, but her expression was more heartbreaking than tears. “You were in so much pain, yet you still worried about me and let me eat an extra bite so I’d be full.”
“If your health can get better, I’m willing to eat nothing but vegetables for the rest of my life.”
I was stunned. For years, I’d thought I’d hidden it well so my family wouldn’t worry, but I never realized someone had noticed.
But how could it not hurt?
The pain that jolted me awake in the middle of the night was so unbearable I could only writhe in bed, staring into the darkness until dawn.
How could I not be afraid? I’d only just turned fifteen. I had so many beautiful years ahead of me. Just because I was the doomed, early-death “white moonlight” in a book, did I really have to die?
Seeing the sorrow on my face, Trường Lạc hurried to say, “It doesn’t hurt. Trường Lạc isn’t in pain. You’ll get better soon, too.”
My lips moved a few times, but in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Get better.”
Trường Lạc, I’m going to die soon.
11.
Quân Dương was always rushing out. Even when his father threatened to break his legs if he went out again, he still went anyway.
Everyone knew he was doing it to search for medicine to cure me.
I knew it, too.
The cold moon hung high in the sky. Beneath the glittering stars, Quân Dương stepped across the moonlight and vaulted over the wall to reach me.
I sat in a reclining chair and sighed helplessly. “You could come in through the front gate. My father wouldn’t throw you out.”
Quân Dương sat down anyway, smiling brightly. “I can’t. If word got out, it would hurt your reputation.”
I looked him over carefully. He’d shaved his chin clean, but his bloodshot, weary eyes still showed that he hadn’t slept well in a long time.
“I heard there are shaman healers in Miaojiang. Once you’re feeling a little better, I’ll sneak you out to have some fun!”
I had only a month left to live. The round trip to Quân An would take three months. By the time word of my death reached him, he’d still be on the road. He wouldn’t make it back in time to bury me, let alone offer the seventh-day rites* for me.
*The seventh-day rites are held every seven days, from the seventh day after death through the forty-ninth.
But I didn’t try to talk him out of it. I didn’t want him to have to watch me die.
Besides, I had my own selfish reasons. I’d look awful when I died, and I wanted the image he remembered of me to stay beautiful forever.
But I didn’t have much time left. There was still one wish I truly wanted to fulfill.
“Quân Dương.” I tugged at his sleeve and pleaded softly, “Could you sneak me out right now?”