19.
Some people are bound to torment your heart, disrupting your life until you can neither eat nor sleep in peace.
As that summer drew to a close, I fell into the same state.
The pandemic situation improved, and the school lifted its lockdown.
The temperature rose, and so did the nighttime breeze.
The music club held an in-person event, where we could sing and hang out on the lawn at night.
Even though it was on campus, it still had a lively atmosphere.
My roommate was the music club president. I helped her hang up string lights, and vendors began setting up booths in the corner of the athletic field.
The guitar began to play.
Someone else and I carried chairs out of a classroom. They'd restocked the beer, too, so we popped open the cans and took big gulps as we listened to others sing.
The band played a sad song.
The singer sang, “What did I ever do to make you suffer?”
The open athletic field was swept by the wind, its streetlights dim, while a group of people bustled about.
The mic sounded awful, like someone had grabbed another person by the collar and wouldn't stop grilling them.
“Have you been feeling down lately?”
The person beside me leaned over the chair and asked. The night sky behind her seemed to spill down around her.
That's right. I'd almost forgotten.
I'd almost forgotten the things that made me miserable.
A woman had suddenly appeared beside Lục Dật Lâm.
She was a new literature instructor at our school, about his age and very gentle. For some reason, rumors that they were together had been spreading more and more.
Even my roommate said Lục Dật Lâm and the new literature instructor made a perfect couple.
I didn't know how I would face him if he really got a girlfriend. I'd had him to myself for such a long time.
The last time we'd talked was a week ago.
I told him he didn't need to bring me food cooked by his mother anymore, and that I'd been imposing on him lately.
He must have been teaching then; he didn't reply until half an hour later.
A question mark.
I didn't answer. After a long while, he finally asked me: [What's wrong?]
I turned off my phone screen and didn't reply.
I didn't really like beer, so by the time the person beside me had finished six cans, I'd only just opened my second.
She was drunk, too. Pointing at my nose, she told me I couldn't drink any more.
“Hey, Lâm Nghiêu, take a look. Is that Professor Lục?”
I followed her pointing finger. Apart from seeing him in online classes, I hadn't seen him in person for a long time.
He was still wearing his usual white button-down, a jacket draped over his elbow, his tall figure standing in front of the music club.
Light glinted off his glasses, dazzlingly bright, but even that couldn't compare to the light in his eyes.
Some students recognized him and called out to say hello.
I murmured in response, the alcohol already going to my head.
I'd been troubled for a long time.
I suddenly stood up. The empty beer can by my feet wobbled back and forth, then toppled over.
I stood in the crowd, watching him. I thought he hadn't noticed me.
But not only had he noticed me—he was coming straight over.
“How much beer has she had?”
I glared as he turned to pick up the beer can from the ground and asked the person beside me.
“Two. She can't hold her liquor as well as you can.” The person beside me waved a hand.
I roughly wiped the moisture from the corner of my mouth and glared at him.
My gaze was a little unfocused, colored lights sweeping across my eyes.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him away.
He let me lead him away. The wind brushed past my ears. Tonight was bright—not bright with daylight, but with all the lights turned on.
It was the light of nameless torches, lit by no one knew who.
I pulled him to a corner by the wall and used all my strength to hold him there.
He lowered his eyes to look at me. His nose was straight and prominent, and his thin lips seemed to curl up slightly.
Then a warm palm gently touched my face.
“What did I ever do to make you suffer?”
Those were both the lyrics from the song just now and the question he was asking me.
I stood there stunned for a long time.
“Are you in love, Lục Dật Lâm?”
I wanted to steady my voice, but I couldn't. I wanted to stay calm, but the night breeze kept clinging to me.
“No.” His answer was gentle but firm.
“Then why aren't you dating her? She's so wonderful...”
“Do you really want me to date her?” Amusement crept into his voice.
I couldn't smile. I shook my head wildly.
“So you...” He closed his eyes and leaned toward me.
“I want to be with you!” I blurted out. My brain had definitely stopped working.
We both froze at the same time.
I could really see the astonishment in his eyes, like a layer of light had been laid over amber.
My heart pounded relentlessly in my chest, like a drum beating beside my ears.
For a long while, he didn't answer.
I decided I had nothing left to lose.
“Okay, okay, I get it. It's fine if you reject me. You're my teacher, after all. You see me as a little sister, right? Hic. I understand. I'm just imagining things. I...”
I couldn't even finish a sentence. My nose stung, and only then did he come to his senses and call my name.
I didn't want to hear his explanation. My brain just couldn't process an awkward situation like this.
I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
My expression as I looked at him was worse than if I were crying.
“It's okay, Lục Dật Lâm. I know people will gossip about our relationship.”
“Wait. Listen to me.”
He held my hand tightly, his brows furrowed.
“Maybe you couldn't possibly like me. Being with me would be harder than climbing to the heavens. People would say I ruined your career...”
“Sigh.” I heard him let out a sigh.
After that, I couldn't say another word.
He lifted my chin and kissed me. My broken-off words were swallowed, and that one gesture threw everything into disarray.
I couldn't think anymore.
Really.
He let me go. When his forehead touched mine, I still couldn't think.
His voice rang clear, blending with the heartbeat pounding in my ears.
“I've never cared what other people think of me.”
“But I can’t just ignore what people say about you.”
20.
“I don’t want to explain anything else to you right now, because you’re drunk.”
“When you’re sober tomorrow, we’ll talk it through.”
I sat on the bed, my mind filled with the things he’d said last night.
This wasn’t my bed.
It wasn’t mine. It was Lục Dật Lâm’s. I—I was at his house.
My brain started working again, and my head throbbed like it was about to split open. Only when I looked out the window did I realize it was pouring outside.
No wonder it was still pitch-dark even though it was morning.
I couldn’t help regretting that I’d impulsively confessed my feelings to him. I clearly could have handled it better, so why had I gotten so carried away?
I’d told myself so many times not to expect anything from him.
Actually, I’d heard everything Lục Dật Lâm said to Tiểu L that day.
“Never pin your hopes on something unrealistic…”
“Or do things that are pointless.”
Because the more you hope, the more disappointed you’ll be.
The deeper your fixation, the harder it is to control yourself.
Lục Dật Lâm was the moon in the sky, the lofty object of my devotion.
I’d fallen too deep, and then I couldn’t control myself.
I heard a door open and close.
When I looked toward the doorway, I saw him in the loose-fitting lounge clothes I hadn’t seen him wear in a long time. In the dim light, his black shirt made his pale skin stand out even more.
“You’ve been asleep a long time. Does your head hurt?”
His voice was as cool and detached as ever, like something cutting through an illusory mist.
I shook my head. Actually, I hadn’t drunk that much beer.
“Last night…”
I suddenly pulled the covers over my head and hid underneath them, not wanting to remember the embarrassing moment I’d pushed him against the wall and confessed my feelings.
For a long while, there was no sound.
Curious, I poked my head out and happened to meet his cold gaze.
“Ah…”
I tried to duck back under the covers, but he was quick enough to grab me by the collar first.
“Listen to me, then you can go back to sleep. Once you’ve heard me out, you can sleep as long as you want.”
“…”