10
That day, I questioned her for a long time.
Chu Mi laughed one moment and cried the next. In the end, from her halting words, I understood why she had taken her own life.
She had a boyfriend.
Don’t get the wrong idea. The young man wasn’t a bad person. On the contrary, he was kind and honest.
He didn’t see Chu Mi’s quietness as a flaw. He called it reserved and peaceful.
He thought her shyness meant she was willing to be understanding toward others.
She was poor, but hardworking and willing to endure hardship.
In short, he didn’t think Chu Mi’s flaws were flaws at all. He thought they were endearing.
He loved Chu Mi blindly and passionately.
But Chu Mi’s first reaction was to run away.
It was so strange.
How could anyone love her?
After the fear came a rush of disbelief and joy.
She was someone who could be loved, too.
Did that mean she had some worth beyond spending her whole life as her sister’s nurse?
Like a drowning person clutching at a log, Chu Mi threw herself into love.
But her family troubles made every step difficult and left her exhausted.
Her mother was sick, but had no intention of seeking treatment.
“Keep the money. Don’t touch it. Save it for Ningning.”
Chu Mi fell apart. She couldn’t accept her mother deciding to die, especially for a reason like that.
But what good would it do?
No one cared what she thought.
She resented her naive, carefree older sister.
After that, her guilt made her even more irritable and impatient with her boyfriend. She began to understand that when people are exhausted, they truly have no emotional energy left to love.
But the young man kept forgiving her, again and again. It didn’t make her feel better; it made her angry.
Because it made her feel even more selfish and despicable. She asked to break up.
She thought, who would accept someone with a family like hers?
The young man refused.
So she bluntly told him everything about her family.
Her sister had Down syndrome, her mother was gravely ill, and she herself was broken.
The young man’s heart sank.
But in the end, he said seriously, “Don’t be afraid. From now on, I’ll face it all with you.”
“So don’t push me away.”
Chu Mi wept uncontrollably. She took him home, wanting to see if he would really face it all with her. But he was even better than she’d expected.
He was polite and considerate, caring toward her mother and patient with her sister.
She almost thought she was about to be happy. But after he left, her mother insisted she break up with him.
She didn’t understand. Why? Why?
He was clearly willing to care for them and shoulder the responsibility with her.
Her mother was silent for a long time.
At last, her father spoke up. “Daughter, if you get married, fall in love, and have children of your own, what will happen to your sister?”
Chu Mi felt as if she’d fallen into an icy pit.
“You’ll have your own family and children, and so many things to worry about. Will you still have the energy to care for your sister?”
Chu Mi once again realized where she stood in her family.
All she really, truly had to do was be the perfect nurse for her sister.
She only had to spend her whole life doing that.
Seeing how fiercely Chu Mi resisted, her sick mother dragged herself out of bed and knelt before her. “Daughter, I’m begging you. Please.”
That kneeling nearly suffocated her. With her heart turned to ashes, she broke up with her boyfriend.
She hadn’t planned to die. But living had become too exhausting.
Then one day, she suddenly decided to die.
And so she died.
11
“So the thing you can’t let go of is that man?”
Chu Mi shook her head. “He deserves someone better. I chose to let him go, and I have no regrets.”
“Then… is it your parents?”
She shook her head again. “I have nothing left to ask of them.”
A thought suddenly struck me, and I couldn’t believe it. “Could it be this company?! I know the overtime is brutal, the pay is low, and the bosses have no conscience. But it’s not worth giving up reincarnation over.”
Chu Mi gave a rare smile. “No.”
She was silent for a long time, then sighed. “It’s my sister.”
“...?”
Her smile was bitter. “I can’t let her go. What will happen to her without me? She has a whole life ahead of her—how can she live alone? I can’t let her go.”
I stared at her. “I thought you hated your sister. I never realized you loved her, too.”
Chu Mi didn’t deny it. “Of course I hate her. I was born because of her, and she naturally became the whole meaning of my life.”
“She took all our parents’ love. The more they loved her, the more I hated her. But you know, even though she’s ignorant, foolish, stubborn, and sensitive, she’s also innocent, kind, obedient, and lovable.”
“Even when we were poorest, they still made a separate menu for her because she was so frail. I cooked for her, and I secretly ate some of it a few times. When they found out, I was made to go hungry for a day.”
“She didn’t understand why, but she remembered that I wanted to eat her food. After that, every day she secretly saved half her portion for me.”
“I always wore her hand-me-downs. Once, I fell in love with a dress. A white princess dress, so beautiful it looked like something a real princess would wear.”
“But I knew our parents wouldn’t buy it for me. So I kept telling her how beautiful the dress was. I hoped she’d want it, so our parents would buy it for her.”
“Once she outgrew it, I’d get to have it. Everything went just as I’d hoped—she insisted our parents buy her the dress.”
“But after they bought it, she suddenly said she didn’t like it anymore. So our parents reluctantly gave me the brand-new dress. It was the first new outfit of my life. My sister bought it for me.”
“In this family, she was the only one who cared about me, the only one who loved me. Don’t you think I’m pitiful?”
I shook my head.
The wound on her wrist kept bleeding.
“I know these little kindnesses were nothing compared with what I gave up. But they were my whole life.”
Chu Mi suddenly broke down. “But… but I should’ve had a long, beautiful life, too. Living was so painful, but in death I still couldn’t let go. As I drifted between worlds, I truly hated it.”
Her voice was like blood dripping with every word. “I hated that I couldn’t let go.”
She paused and gave a bitter smile. “Tell me, in the end, who’s more pitiful—me or my sister?”
I thought it was Chu Mi, but I didn’t dare say so.
12
I took the opportunity to visit Chu Mi’s home.
Chu Mi’s gravely ill mother opened the door for me.
“You are…?”
Her hair was completely white, her face aged and haggard, with dark circles under her eyes. She didn’t have long to live.
Chu Mi’s spirit beside me trembled. “It’s only been a week. How did Mom grow so much older?”
I said I was Chu Mi’s coworker and had come to return the things she’d left at the company. I’d also brought the company’s donation for Chu Mi.