13
Tần Niệm Niệm had never provoked me.
First, because I was the daughter-in-law favored by the Grand Princess, managed the affairs inside and outside the Duke’s household, and had the eldest son. Second, perhaps she had heard stories about how I combined kindness with authority.
As for Thanh Chi and the other bedchamber maids, Huo Yan had always acted as though he didn’t see them.
But Li Quynh Hoa and Lăng Nương weren’t so lucky.
Lăng Nương was still confined to her quarters, and Tần Niệm Niệm had gone to her courtyard twice to insult her. Lăng Nương was so furious she fell ill. I had to send someone to treat her and give her plenty of things, then send someone to reprimand the old woman in charge outside the courtyard. “If she’s under house arrest, then aside from maids coming and going to deliver things, no one inside is allowed out and no one outside is allowed in. So how was Concubine Tần able to get in?”
Li Quynh Hoa was pregnant, so Tần Niệm Niệm didn’t dare confront her directly. But when they ran into each other in the garden, she bragged that Huo Yan now favored only her, then mocked Li Quynh Hoa, saying the child in her womb wasn’t loved by its father.
Li Quynh Hoa had always been timid and weak. All she could do was retreat to her room and weep.
When her maid saw her crying, she hurried to tell me. I had no choice but to go see her, and I told her bluntly, “You said you didn’t have any expectations anymore, so why let a few words from someone else hurt you? Whether the baby in your womb is a boy or a girl, it will still be a young master or young lady of the Duke’s household, the Grand Princess’s grandchild, and will enjoy wealth and honor for its entire life. If you keep crying and harm the baby, just see how much you’ll regret it later.”
After hearing me out, she was frightened and quickly stopped crying.
When I returned to the main courtyard, I sent for Tần Niệm Niệm and gave her a scolding. It was the first time I’d ever spoken harshly to her.
I said, “Concubine Li is pregnant now. Every day, just looking at her makes me fear something might go wrong. You should never, ever have gone near her and upset her. If anything happens to Concubine Li, even if the heir protects you, you won’t escape the consequences.”
“As for Lăng Nương, she’s already under house arrest. That’s punishment enough. Everyone can see that the heir favors you, so why add fuel to the fire by barging into her courtyard and bullying her?”
Then I summoned the maid who served her. “Disputes between a mistress and someone else are minor matters that can be settled with a few words of advice. You didn’t try to make peace—you stirred things up and made a mess of everything. You deserve punishment. Go outside and take ten lashes, and forfeit two months’ wages. If you do it again, the punishment will be worse.”
Tần Niệm Niệm admitted her fault at the time, but as soon as Huo Yan came back, she went to complain to him.
So Huo Yan came to see me and said that since nothing had happened to Concubine Li, why punish Niệm Niệm’s maid and upset her?
I looked at Huo Yan’s face, my heart full of disappointment. I didn’t love him, but I had still upheld my duties as his wife. And yet, for Tần Niệm Niệm, he could say such things. Had he completely forgotten the woman who had once shared a bond with him and was now carrying his child?
I was truly disappointed in him.
I said, “Husband, you think this is a trivial matter, just a few words exchanged between your concubines, and that there’s no need to make Tần Niệm Niệm lose face. But you’ve forgotten that Concubine Li has always been frail. It took countless precious medicines to nourish her through this pregnancy to this day. If the baby in her womb is a boy, he’ll be your second son; if it’s a girl, she’ll be your eldest daughter. A woman spends ten months pregnant, as if passing through the gates of death once. Even if Tần Niệm Niệm is upset, she shouldn’t take it out on her at a time like this.”
“I punished Tần Niệm Niệm’s maid not only to protect Concubine Li’s pregnancy, but also to teach Tần Niệm Niệm that even if she doesn’t care about Concubine Li, she should at least think of the child in her womb, who is your own. I believe she understands my point now, so why did you need to come here and make excuses for her, husband?”
I was talking about Tần Niệm Niệm’s faults, but wasn’t I also pointing out his failings as a husband and a father?
He looked as though he wanted to say something, but in the end he couldn’t find the words. He only sighed, then silently left the main courtyard.
14
Concubine Li had a difficult labor and gave birth to a girl, the first granddaughter of the Grand Princess and the Duke of Dingguo. She was named Huo Chan, with the pet name San Hô.
Whether Chang’an or San Hô, both names carried a mother’s purest hopes for her child: that they would be healthy, that all would go smoothly for them, and that they would live in peace all their lives.
Concubine Li held the daughter she had struggled so hard to have, tears streaming down her face. From then on, she became a strong mother.
By then, Huo Yan no longer cared about Concubine Li. He visited their daughter only a few times.
Time passed. I lived my life, while Huo Yan and Tần Niệm Niệm lived theirs.
When Huo Jing (Huo Chang’an) was four, Huo Yan suddenly came to see me. He said seriously that Tần Niệm Niệm always resented being born a woman and being confined to a small courtyard.
She had long cherished a wish to travel everywhere and see the scenery across the vast lands to the south and north. Huo Yan had often heard her talk about it, and gradually began wanting to help her make that wish come true.
Of course, the plan wasn’t for Tần Niệm Niệm to go alone. The two of them would travel together, taking a guard and a maid with them.
He came to discuss with me whether he should do it.
I felt I had never heard anything so absurd. His parents were still alive, his children were still young, and yet Huo Yan wanted to abandon the entire vast Duke’s household and travel carefree across the land with Tần Niệm Niệm.
I truly wanted to invite a Taoist priest to see whether Tần Niệm Niệm had put a spell on him.
Of course I objected vehemently. At first, I tried to persuade him gently, hoping I could make him give up the idea. But he wouldn’t listen, and the more we talked, the more heated our argument became.
I could accept him acting unfairly, favoring only one woman, and being indifferent to his children, but I couldn’t accept him abandoning his parents and everyone else.
This was the first time Huo Yan and I had ever argued. We had a terrible fight, and it ended with us both upset.
Perhaps my opposition had provoked him, because he went straight to the Grand Princess’s residence to discuss the matter with his parents.
Of course, according to the servants, he put it much more tactfully when he spoke to them. After all, he knew his mother disliked Tần Niệm Niệm.
He said that in this life, he had no chance to go to war and defend the country, but he also didn’t want to spend his whole life seeing only a corner of the capital. He wanted to resign, travel the four seas, and admire the splendor of the land. Tần Niệm Niệm understood him best and would always stay by his side, so his parents wouldn’t have to worry.
His parents reacted even more fiercely than I had. The Grand Princess slapped him, and the Duke of Dingguo beat him.
Confucius said, “While your parents are alive, you shouldn’t travel far. If you do, you should have a definite destination.”
How could they accept their only son resigning, failing to care for his parents, raise his children, or take charge of the family estate, and taking a concubine with him to roam to the ends of the earth?
The Grand Princess was so furious that she immediately ordered someone to bring Tần Niệm Niệm to her.
But for the sake of his love, Huo Yan defied his parents for the first time, flatly telling them that he wouldn’t allow the Grand Princess to drag anyone else into this. It was his decision, and if his mother forced the issue, he would never forgive her for the rest of his life.
Hearing that, I couldn’t help laughing. A man with a wife and children was using such childish, unreasonable words to threaten his parents.
The Grand Princess ordered him confined to her residence, forbidden to go out or contact anyone, and ordered the servants not to let a single word of news slip out.
As for Tần Niệm Niệm, one of the Grand Princess’s female officials beat her, then locked her up in the courtyard.
Tần Niệm Niệm said to me, “All of you have too many ambitions in your hearts. You think about power, status, and wealth, so you can’t understand that all I want is to have him.”