6.
I watched him walk away and shook my head. He was still so young; he had no idea that older people loved meddling in other people’s marriages.
And he was a prince, so of course he was even more popular. Who knew how many people wanted to marry into the prince’s household? And he wanted me to wait for him?
How long was I supposed to wait?
Of course I didn’t listen. I just wandered around the grounds. When I saw everyone picking chrysanthemums to tuck into their hair, I picked a pink one too and asked my maid to pin it in mine.
Year after year, the flowers beneath the moon seemed much the same. If my older sister were here, the days would be so much more interesting.
My older sister was busy every day, with more work than she could finish. I would sit by the stove and tend the fire while she cooked meat. She’d pick up a piece with her chopsticks, blow on it to cool it, then feed it to me and tell me to taste it.
I’d say it was delicious, and my older sister would laugh and say, “What do you mean, delicious? You have to explain why—one, two, three—before it counts!”
We could talk for half the day over a single piece of meat.
Or I’d learn a new character and teach her how to write it. She’d learn it while asking me where the character came from.
I’d hug a book and search through it. Whether we found the answer or not, we could spend half the day thinking about it.
And so the days went by—so quickly! More than a decade passed in what felt like the blink of an eye.
Mother said the days only seemed to pass quickly when life was good. I had lived too well; every day was a good one.
Only my older sister had it hard. She not only had to take care of me, but shoulder the burden of the entire Ôn family.
If I had the means, I would give my older sister every good thing in the world.
“Bảo Châu!”
The one calling me was the daughter of Grand Academician Tống.
“Miss Tống!” I bowed in greeting.
She looked delicate, as frail as a willow. Even on such a lovely day, she wore a cloak.
But her cheeks were rosy.
“Just call me Nguyên Trinh. There’s no need to be so formal.”
She strolled with me. It was my first time spending time with another young lady, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do.
“The weather is so lovely today. It would be nice to take the books at home outside to air in the sun,” she said, glancing at me with her phoenix eyes.
“Yes, and the quilts should be aired too!” The books at home were all in my older brother’s study, so airing them was naturally his household’s job. I only aired the quilts.
She pressed her lips together and stared into space for a moment.
For a long while, she said nothing.
“What does your eldest brother usually do?” she asked, seeming a little embarrassed. She lowered her head, revealing her lovely long neck.
“He’s either receiving guests or going out. I don’t even know what he’s so busy with.” Sometimes he wasn’t even around for meals.
“Is your older sister beautiful? How does she compare to me?” She suddenly stopped, her gaze deep and unreadable. I didn’t know why she was asking.
“My older sister is very fair. You’ve seen how fair my older brother is, right? She’s much fairer than he is. She loves to smile, and when she does, her eyes curve like crescent moons. She has red lips and white teeth. My older sister is the most beautiful woman in the world.”
No one could compare to her.
“Really? Your older sister is that beautiful?” Her voice sounded a little flat, as if she were disappointed.
She had appeared suddenly, and left just as suddenly.
I knew she wanted to marry my eldest brother, but I didn’t understand why she’d asked about my older sister.
When the banquet began, the empress invited me to sit with her. The table was full of imperial relatives and nobles, including Triệu Thập An. I quietly ate my fill and waited for my eldest brother to come get me.
Triệu Thập An wanted to talk to me, but before he could say a word, someone else struck up a conversation with him. By the time the banquet ended, we still hadn’t managed to say a single thing to each other.
I was tired of looking at flowers. I couldn’t wait for my older brothers any longer, so I had the coachman take me home.
As soon as I got home, I complained to my parents that they’d abandoned their little sister and gone off to enjoy themselves.
Mother just laughed and said it was a good thing. It was good that they could eat, drink, and talk with others.
Only my eldest brother hadn’t attended the banquet. He came home drunk, supported by a servant.
We hadn’t known about it. He still hadn’t come home by dinner, and when Father asked, we learned he’d gotten drunk during the day.
Mother was worried, so I went with her to check on him.
7.
My eldest brother usually stayed in the outer courtyard. It was quiet there, and his room held only a bed, a table, and a chair. He was lying on the bed.
He must have been drunk. His face was pale, his brows drawn tight.
The corners of his eyes were red. I suddenly remembered seeing him on the flower boat.
My older sister had said he was born too beautiful, and that he’d suffered because of it.
My older sister had told me to forget that day, to pretend I’d never seen it.
He was only my eldest brother, the one who would always love and protect me.
Tears streamed from the corners of his eyes, drop after drop. I didn’t know why they wouldn’t stop.
Mother called to him several times before my eldest brother finally opened his eyes.
Mother asked what was troubling him, but he only shook his head.
After a long while, my eldest brother finally asked Mother, “Mother, is Bảo Ngân angry with me? Did she leave because I never told her I liked her? Is she never coming back?”
After asking, my eldest brother closed his eyes again, his face weak and hopeless.
That was when I learned that the person my eldest brother loved was my older sister.
Mother could only look at him and weep, scolding him for not saying so sooner.
After that day, I often argued with my eldest brother. I knew he loved my older sister, but he hadn’t told her, so she’d stubbornly kept opposing him.
What if he’d told my older sister he loved her sooner? Would she have left like she did? I secretly blamed him.
But when my eldest brother said my older sister was ugly, or that she had a bad temper and all that, I’d think he was just too proud to admit how he felt.
“My older sister is the most beautiful! She’s fair and lovely. Only my eldest brother is ugly.”
Every time I argued with him, my eldest brother would smile and ask what was so beautiful about my older sister.
He really did say one thing and mean another.
I suddenly remembered the past. Sometimes my eldest brother would visit while my older sister was busy in the kitchen, and he’d lean against the doorframe and watch her.
He’d exchange a few words with her now and then, smiling with his whole face.
One day, my older sister held a wooden hairpin beneath the oil lamp and studied it. I woke after a nap, and she was still looking at it.
I asked her why she was looking at it. It was only a wooden hairpin—what was there to see?
My older sister shook her head and said it was the finest thing in the world.
My eldest brother had happened to visit that day. Thinking back, he must have made it himself, though his handiwork was rough.
I only understood too late. If I’d realized sooner, I would have found a way to make my eldest brother tell her how he felt. Then my older sister wouldn’t have left.
Winter came unusually early that year. A heavy snowfall arrived at the beginning of the tenth month.
Though Father had been cast out of the clan, he still wanted to return to his hometown to visit his parents’ graves and burn some paper money and winter clothes for them.
My brothers were busy, Mother was in poor health, and the weather was cold, so Father wouldn’t let her come along.
I had nothing to do at home, so I volunteered to go with Father.
Our hometown was only two days’ journey from Dongjing, but with the heavy snow, travel wasn’t easy.
In the warm carriage, Father told me stories about his childhood back home.
I was listening with great interest when the carriage suddenly stopped.
I lifted the curtain and looked out. The driver had an arrow lodged in his chest and was lying on the ground, blood still running from the wound.
I was already this old, and I’d never seen anything like it before.
My lips trembling, I called out, “Father.”
Father pulled me into the carriage and told me to be quiet.
Leaning against Father, I felt fear for the first time.
What if I died? I hadn’t even seen my older sister again. If she found out I was dead, she’d be so sad and regretful, wouldn’t she? I didn’t want to die, and I didn’t want my older sister to be sad and regret it.
“What’s the matter? Are you waiting for me to invite you out?” someone outside snapped.
Father led me out of the carriage. Several men in black with their faces covered stood outside, swords in hand, their eyes full of murderous intent. They were terrifying.
“Have Minister Ôn pass along a message. We’re taking this young lady with us. Go tell Minister Ôn we’ll be waiting at the Princess Royal’s residence. He has two days to come. If he doesn’t, I’ll kill her.”
8.
One of them shoved Father away, then pressed a sword to my throat. My legs were so weak with fear that I couldn’t speak.
Another man threw me over a horse’s back. I lay face down as it galloped, my stomach aching until I began to vomit.
All I could see was Father running after me, growing farther and farther away.
We rode like that for a whole day. By the next day, we had reached the familiar outskirts of Bianjing.
The city gates were under tight security. My eldest brother must have found out I was missing.
The men found an old Taoist temple on the outskirts. There was only one old Taoist priest inside, and he seemed to know them.
They tied my hands and feet, blindfolded me, and threw me into a room. They only gave me a bowl of water once, but my stomach was so upset that I threw it up.
I said I needed to use the bathroom over and over, but no one paid any attention. For the first time since I’d grown up, I wet my pants.
I didn’t know if it was shame or fear, but I cried until I passed out.
When I woke, someone was crouching in front of me.
His face was dark, and when he looked at me, it darkened even more.
“Triệu Thập An.”
I called his name. He untied my hands and feet, and only then did I notice the sword beside him, blood still dripping from its blade.
He radiated murderous intent. It was terrifying.
I stared at him, trembling, trying to hold back my tears, but then I burst into sobs.
“Triệu Thập An, they wouldn’t let me use the bathroom, and I wet my pants. Why didn’t you come sooner? Boo-hoo…”
I clearly saw him freeze for a moment.
But he took off his black cloak, wrapped it around me, and held me in his arms.
I wiped my tears and snot on his chest. It was already dark, but I could make out the bodies sprawled across the courtyard. His horse, Lưu Quang, was waiting at the temple gate. He lifted me onto its back.
The cloak kept out the wind and snow, so I wasn’t cold.
“How did you know I’d been kidnapped?” I asked.
He led the horse, his tall, steady figure seen from behind.
“Your father went to the palace to find your eldest brother. I happened to be there,” he answered calmly.
“How many days has it been?”
“One day!”
Just one day? It felt like it had been ages!
“Why did they kidnap me? And why did you come to save me?”
“Your eldest brother beheaded the Princess Royal. They want revenge on him.”
He led the horse all the way into Bianjing, with me riding on its back.
He took me to an inn, found me fresh clothes to change into, and bought me food. I was too scared to sleep, so he sat in the chair beside me all night. But he never said why he’d rescued me.
After I got home, I rarely went out.
First, I was timid. Second, I didn’t want to see him. After all, he knew I’d wet my pants. How could I face him?
I heard Father and my brothers sent him a great many gifts to thank him. Stories always say that when someone saves your life, you should repay him with your hand in marriage. I said as much to my brothers, and their expressions changed at once. They confiscated every storybook in my room and burned them all in front of me, telling me not to read such nonsense again.
Actually, I hadn’t even gotten to the next part!
He must have been scared off. After all, I was this old and still wet my pants—never mind repaying him with my hand in marriage.
The winter nights were long. My storybooks were gone, and there was no way I could sleep all day anymore.
I put on my cloak and went out onto the veranda to look at the snow. The heavy snowfall obscured my view, but I could make out someone standing in the courtyard.
He was awfully bold, daring to climb over the wall into my home.
I thought it over. I wanted to call for someone, but then I changed my mind.
I didn’t dare look at him. I lowered my head and went inside, and he followed me in so silently that I couldn’t hear a thing.
There was only one candle in the room. He stood in front of the table watching me. I sat in a chair, clutching my sleeves tightly, afraid to look at him.
“Why are you avoiding me?” His voice was very low.