2.
“It’s just because I drank too much water. My older sister told me that if you drink a lot of water, it comes out of your eyes.”
I covered my eyes with my sleeve. My older sister told me those weren’t tears; it was just the water I’d drunk coming out. If I cried every day, there’d have to be so many things to be sad about, wouldn’t there?
“Mm!”
Hân jumped down from the wall and stood beneath the tree, looking up at me. The sun was a little bright, and he squinted as he looked up.
“I heard your mother’s birthday is the day after tomorrow. My elder brother personally told your eldest brother that he’d make a grand celebration of it. I wonder what your mother likes?”
He stood there, asking thoughtfully.
What did Mother like?
“Mother wants my older sister to come home right away. Can you make that happen?” I looked down at him, asking eagerly.
He said nothing. His back was ramrod straight as he walked farther and farther away.
Whether he could do it or not, he could at least say something!
Was he going to find my older sister? My sister said the emperor was the most powerful, and he was the emperor’s younger brother. Didn’t that make him the second most powerful?
The whole realm belonged to the Zhao family, so he could surely find my older sister.
On Mother’s birthday, carriages crowded the entrance to our home, and the alley was blocked. Father said my eldest brother had a special relationship with the emperor, so our family had to be especially careful about what we said and did.
Mother said the emperor was doing this because of my eldest brother’s marriage. After all, everyone his age already had children, while he wasn’t even married yet. The emperor was surely using this as an excuse to have my eldest brother meet more young ladies.
Whatever the reason, my eldest brother had gone out the night before and said he wouldn’t be home until evening. He wouldn’t see anyone who came to visit.
I’d been waiting by the gate since early morning, waiting for that prince to bring my older sister home.
But the only one who arrived late was Triệu Thập An, carrying a box.
When I saw him, I hurried over.
I looked all around him.
“Is there something special about this box? Is my older sister hidden inside it?”
I stared at him in astonishment. The box was so small—how could it possibly hold my older sister?
He stiffened and fell silent.
“Where’s my older sister?”
“I never said I could find your older sister.”
“But you didn’t say you couldn’t find her, either!” I took the box and opened it to look inside. There was only a jade Buddha figurine.
My older sister wasn’t in there.
She was so heartless, not even coming home for Mother’s birthday. My older sister really didn’t want us anymore.
I handed him the box, lowered my head, and went into the courtyard. I didn’t want to say another word.
But today was Mother’s birthday. My older sister had said our parents had been through too many hardships, and I couldn’t upset them anymore. I was a good girl, and I would listen to her.
I stood quietly behind Mother, listening to her talk with the other ladies.
Everyone asked about my three older brothers and whether they were engaged. If not, they’d mention that their family had a daughter who was gentle and virtuous.
They asked about my eldest brother the most.
Mother said she couldn’t decide my eldest brother’s marriage for him. When he wanted to marry, and whom he chose, had to be up to him.
So they asked Mother what kind of girl my eldest brother liked.
“Someone who likes to smile, has a gentle temperament, and can get through every hardship with him,” Mother said with a smile.
It sounded to me as if Mother were talking about my older sister.
The empress and empress dowager came to wish Mother a happy birthday. It brought great honor to our family.
Who would have thought that when the banquet began at noon, the emperor would come too? My eldest brother followed behind him, his face cold and showing no pleasure at the emperor’s arrival.
It was my first time meeting the emperor. I hadn’t expected him to talk so much.
He and my eldest brother talked nonstop. He was concerned about my eldest brother’s future.
He introduced my eldest brother to a very beautiful young lady, a true beauty. But she was nothing like the kind of girl Mother had described. She was clearly a noble young lady straight out of a book, someone who had never suffered. I was afraid my eldest brother wouldn’t like her. The more the emperor talked, the darker my eldest brother’s expression grew.
The emperor told my eldest brother to take her for a walk. His face was black as ink and he looked deeply displeased, but he still led her outside.
Knowing my eldest brother, he’d surely make that young lady cry before this was over.
3.
The adults sat together talking. I listened for a while, then grew terribly bored.
I quietly slipped outside. I was now the younger sister of a minister, and my brothers were prominent at court. Even if people thought I was stupid, they wouldn’t dare show it to my face.
I understood. My older sister said it didn’t matter whether other people were sincere with me; I only had to judge for myself.
I could tell. They didn’t look down on me only because of my brothers.
Quite a few young ladies had come today. Our home was spacious, and the garden was full of flowers in every color and variety.
It wasn’t like Biện Kinh, where my older sister would dig up even the tiniest patch of ground to grow vegetables. From spring through fall, our garden was always green.
The flowers were beautiful, but still not as good as the vegetables my older sister grew. They weren’t as pretty as flowers, but they were practical.
Now we had fresh vegetables on our table every day, and meat every day too, but none of it tasted as good as what my older sister made.
The young ladies had all gone to the banquet, leaving the flower garden empty. I missed my older sister. If she were here, she’d surely tug at my sleeve and tell me to go eat.
“Older sister, so many people came to our house today, but I could tell Mother, Father, and our brothers were all forcing their smiles. If you were here, Mother would be happy even if all she ate was a bowl of your longevity noodles. You told me not to make our parents sad, but why are you doing this? You’re so mean, leaving us behind without a second thought.”
“Father said he’d find me a husband and marry me off, because I’m grown up now and can’t keep staying at home forever.”
“But I’m scared. I’m scared that once I’m married, I won’t be able to come home and wait for you anymore. Please come back soon, okay?”
I crouched beside a rosebush. The red roses were in full bloom, their petals like velvet. My older sister loved red roses most of all.
I reached out to break off a branch, but a thorn pricked my finger. Before long, a drop of blood welled up.
“Flowers with thorns should be cut with shears. Didn’t you know?”
It was Triệu Thập An.
His face was dark, and he spoke without emotion. I truly couldn’t tell whether he was happy or sad.
He crouched beside me and used a handkerchief to wipe away the blood. It was only a drop, and it didn’t hurt.
“Does it hurt?” He wiped it very carefully. My brothers had never been so careful with me.
“Don’t you know I’ve had a foolish sickness since I was little? And foolish people don’t know when they’re hurt.” I pulled my hand away and answered him earnestly.
He didn’t say anything for a long while. Then he stood and reached out to help me up. His hand was covered in calluses. He was a prince, and also a general on the frontier.
I used his hand to get up. I’d been sitting too long, and my legs were a little numb.
“You’re not foolish,” he said.
I smiled brightly. My older sister said I had dimples and looked prettiest when I smiled.
“My older sister says that too.”
“What flowers do you like?”
“I don’t like flowers. I only like the vegetables my older sister grew. When our family still lived in Bianjing, she turned every corner of the garden into a vegetable patch. I watered them every day. Watching them sprout and grow, then become dishes on the table, made me so happy. I wasn’t useless. I could help my older sister shoulder the burden, too.”
“You love your older sister that much?”
“You wouldn’t understand. When we were struggling, my older sister was as thin as a bamboo stalk, but she never let me go hungry. In the cold of winter, she’d hold my feet against her and cuddle me to sleep until morning. No one dared laugh at me for being foolish, because she’d fight them to the death!”
People say the Ôn family lived in hardship back then, but they don’t know that I was the only one who never knew what hardship meant.
He looked at me, determination showing in his jaw and the corners of his mouth.
“Your older sister is wonderful, and so are you.” He gently patted my head with his large hand.
He was very tall. My three older brothers were already tall, but he was taller still. I always had to look up at him.
“Really?”
“Mm! You’re wonderful.”
He was the first person outside my family to tell me I was wonderful!
“Do you know why Minister Ôn has never married? My imperial brother is so worried about your eldest brother’s marriage that his hair is turning gray.”
“Maybe no young lady worthy of him has come along yet?” After all, I’d never seen him treat any young lady well besides me and my older sister.
“My imperial brother once said that Minister Ôn had turned down a marriage alliance with Grand Academician Tống’s family because he wanted to marry your older sister. But he and Steward Tống ruined the matter. Minister Ôn never said so, but my imperial brother thinks he resents them. He feels terribly guilty, so he’s always wanted to find Minister Ôn a good young lady.”
He sounded so serious that I wondered if it could really be true.
I tilted my head, not quite understanding what he meant. Did my eldest brother really want to marry my older sister?
“Is that true? The emperor and Steward Tống are so awful. If my older sister married my eldest brother, she wouldn’t have abandoned our family like this.”
Triệu Thập An looked at me and opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he fell silent.
But did my eldest brother really want to marry my older sister?
Did he love my older sister? But she never said so, and he’d never mentioned it either!
Only Mother had once said she wanted my eldest brother to marry my older sister.
My older sister hadn’t agreed. I once asked her why.
My older sister said that when you love someone, loving them is enough; if anything else comes with it, you don’t need it! Could it be that my eldest brother’s feelings were more than love? If not, why wouldn’t my older sister marry him?
I didn’t quite understand, but were my eldest brother’s feelings more than just love?
“So romance is the hardest thing in the world!” I sighed.
“You say that as if you understand it so well,” Triệu Thập An said with a laugh.
When he smiled, he no longer looked so fierce. He seemed almost youthful.