In his journal, he wrote:
“She reminds me so much of Vũ Đường when she was young, but she’s also different from Vũ Đường. My eyes keep following her of their own accord—a feeling I’ve never had with Vũ Đường.”
He realized that whenever she bandaged his wounds, her face would flush and she wouldn’t dare look up at him. But that only gave him the chance to openly gaze at her.
During that time, they were together almost every day. Chiến Lăng Tiêu came up with every excuse he could just to keep Phương Thanh by his side a little longer.
He wrote, “Just looking at her makes me happy.”
He wrote this four years ago. Back then, my father and elder brother had died on the battlefield. I was so grief-stricken at home that I thought I couldn’t go on living, while he was secretly falling for another woman.
I remember Vân Thư was still tiny then. She had her personal maid write a letter to Chiến Lăng Tiêu, hoping he would come home to visit me.
By then, the fighting on the border had ended, and he had returned in triumph.
Chiến Lăng Tiêu could clearly have come home, but he didn’t.
When Vân Thư confronted him after he came back, he claimed he had never received the letter.
In his journal, he wrote that he had actually received the letter. He had desperately wanted to come home, but something inside him told him to stay with Phương Thanh a little longer.
What did I say then?
I told Vân Thư, “Your father works so hard. Just like your maternal grandfather and maternal uncle, he’s protecting the border.”
Now, looking back at those words, I can only laugh.
When Chiến Lăng Tiêu heard me explaining things to Vân Thư, did he secretly laugh at me in his heart, laugh at how devoted I was?
Or was he secretly glad I hadn’t noticed anything was wrong?
04.
After that came the moment they confessed their feelings. They both knew the other was in love with them.
But because he had once sworn to me, when we were young, that he would marry no one but me, they didn’t dare make their relationship public.
Chiến Lăng Tiêu was often laid low by minor ailments, and only Phương Thanh could treat them. That became their excuse to meet in secret.
At night, she would even sneak into Chiến Lăng Tiêu’s tent, slip under his covers, and whisper about how much she missed him.
Whenever that happened, he regretted his recklessness in the past, which had forced the woman he truly loved to sneak around just to be by his side.
His heart ached, and he loved her all the more, indulging her even more.
Chiến Lăng Tiêu wrote, “Every night, I can only hope the sun will never rise.”
05.
Half a month later, Chiến Lăng Tiêu returned to the capital.
As soon as he arrived, he hurried straight to my courtyard.
He still hadn’t taken off his armor, and seeing it brought back the memory of the dress crushed beneath it.
I told the servants to take Vân Thư away, leaving only Chiến Lăng Tiêu and me in the courtyard.
I took out the divorce agreement I had prepared and placed it in front of him.
He glanced at it and said gently, “Vũ Đường, I never intended to bring her into the household. Thanh Thanh is willing to stay outside the household forever.”
“Even if she and I have a child, the child will be registered under your name. Thanh Thanh has said she would never fight you for the position of general’s wife. Vũ Đường, don’t worry. You’re the only wife I have. Why would you do this…”
His reproachful expression overlapped with the image of him years ago, swearing an oath in front of my father’s and brother’s graves. The feelings I had suppressed for so long finally erupted. I shouted:
“Chiến Lăng Tiêu! Do you want me to rip away the last of your pretense? If you couldn’t keep your oath, then you shouldn’t have sworn it in front of me and my family!
Why put on this act of loving each other but being unable to be together in front of me? I’m giving you my blessing! You want both a good reputation and all the benefits! Chiến Lăng Tiêu, your scheme is staring me right in the face! She’s disgusting! You’re even more disgusting!”
He frowned and replied impatiently:
“Vũ Đường, you know I didn’t come here to argue with you. This is my fault, but I really have kept my promise: you’re my only wife. Thanh Thanh doesn’t even mind being my concubine. Can’t you try to understand me a little?
Vũ Đường, you know I would never leave you and Vân Thư. I will keep every promise I’ve ever made.”
It was as if he were comforting me, while also comforting himself.
Looking at his smug, self-congratulatory expression, I laughed. I laughed at the man I had once loved, at what he had become. I laughed at myself for wasting so many years before seeing the truth about the man who shared my bed.
In his eyes, as long as he kept their relationship secret and no one else found out, everything would be fine. I could simply pretend it had never happened.
He thought I should forgive him, as though he had granted me some tremendous favor.
He thought that as long as no one knew about their relationship, and he didn’t marry Phương Thanh, he hadn’t broken his vow.
I turned and grabbed the paintings I had found in his study, then hurled them at him.
“These things disgust me, just like you! I’ve already given you the divorce agreement—that’s the last shred of dignity I’m willing to grant you. If you want to divorce me by repudiation, I’ll take the matter to the authorities!”
“Vũ Đường, how did you become like this? Can’t you think about all the years we’ve shared?” He stared at me in disbelief and asked.
I looked at him coldly and replied:
“Chiến Lăng Tiêu, this is the best I can do for you because of our past. You’d better do as I say. Otherwise, this divorce won’t be peaceful.”
Chiến Lăng Tiêu picked up the paintings from the floor. Hearing me, he looked up and asked, “What do you mean?”
“Chiến Lăng Tiêu, have you forgotten who I am? I’m the legitimate daughter of the Vĩnh Trung Hầu, whose family has served the throne loyally for three generations. I am the Princess of Gia Tĩnh. Tell me, if the ruler and the Empress Dowager learned about your female physician, what do you think would happen to her?”
He hurriedly protested, “It wasn’t her fault! It was all my fault, Tô Vũ Đường! If you’re angry with anyone, take it out on me. Don’t drag someone else into this!”
The moment he finished speaking, I slapped him across the face.
“Chiến Lăng Tiêu, you’d better remember your place. You can’t forget her, but you also don’t want to give up what you have through me? You disgust me! Let me make this clear: this is the last of my patience. Don’t provoke me!”
Vân Thư is my daughter. She can only stay with me. As for the divorce, you’d better agree to it soon. You know, if you refuse, I have plenty of ways to make you agree. But when that happens, I can’t guarantee whether you’ll lose face—or your life.”
He sank down in a corner, exhausted and helpless.
He and I faced each other in silence.
He muttered, looking at me with deep disappointment. “How did things end up like this…”
His gaze held no power over me anymore. From the moment I learned about their relationship, Chiến Lăng Tiêu and I were over.
06.
Chiến Lăng Tiêu refused to sign the divorce agreement and moved into his study to sleep.
He said that I couldn’t accept it yet, so he would wait until I calmed down and then explain.
I told him, “This is a decision I made only after thinking it over for a long time.”
He looked at me with a complicated expression. “Have you thought about Vân Thư? What if people gossip about her when she attends banquets?”
I replied, “Chiến Lăng Tiêu, you think far too highly of yourself. Do you think winning a few battles makes you a great general? Have you forgotten? Even if Vân Thư leaves the Chiến family, she is still a daughter of the Tô family—and a granddaughter of the imperial family!”
I’d known all along that divorcing Chiến Lăng Tiêu wouldn’t be so simple.
Compared with Chiến Lăng Tiêu, I’d always understood that the hardest people to deal with were his family.
Chiến Lăng Tiêu’s mother, Trần thị, and his paternal aunt, Tưởng thị, appeared in my courtyard.
They looked ready to come and demand answers, but out of regard for my status, they didn’t dare speak too harshly.
With worry written all over her face, Trần thị tried to persuade me. “Vũ Đường, I know all about what happened between you and Lăng Tiêu. Don’t worry. Lăng Tiêu won’t marry that girl into the family—I absolutely won’t allow it. Think about it: you and Lăng Tiêu have known each other for so many years. He just happened to meet someone new and wanted to try something different for a little while. But you’re still the most important person in his heart.
“Besides, there’s no one left in the Vĩnh Trung Hầu household. If you really divorce Lăng Tiêu and return alone with Vân Thư, how will the two of you manage in the manor, with nothing but women there?”
My natal family was the Vĩnh Trung Hầu household. Our hereditary title was granted to my ancestors for helping the Emperor found the dynasty. My father and elder brother both died on the battlefield before I married. Not long after my marriage, my mother, unable to bear missing my father, took her own life.
Now Trần thị was bringing this up simply to remind me that I was the Vĩnh Trung Hầu household’s only remaining member, alone and without support.
She also wanted to emphasize that Vân Thư was a girl, and if I divorced Chiến Lăng Tiêu, Vân Thư could only go with me.
I should have realized sooner that the Chiến family had never made things difficult for me out of deference to my status. Even after I gave birth to Vân Thư and was told that I could no longer bear children, Chiến Lăng Tiêu still had only one daughter.