01.
After Consort Song of the Shen household died, she left behind two daughters.
My elder sister was Shen Wanyong, and I was Shen Wanning.
At that moment, the two of us stood on either side of Father, facing our legal mother, Madam Shen.
Father said, “Madam, these two girls have no mother. They’re pitiful. Why don’t you take one of them in and raise her by your side?”
“I know your health is poor, and you might not be able to care for both of them properly. Consort Zhao has no children either, so let her take care of the other one for me.”
Before he could finish, my elder sister grabbed Father’s sleeve.
“Father, I want to go with Consort Zhao!”
Father was stunned.
He had always favored my elder sister over me, and he knew she was the more ambitious one.
Now she was passing up the chance to become the principal wife’s daughter and insisting on going to Consort Zhao instead.
“Wanyong, what are you…”
My elder sister hurriedly said, “Father, I’ve thought it through. Let Madam take my younger sister in.”
Then, as if afraid the matter might not be settled, my elder sister hurried straight to Consort Zhao’s courtyard.
As she passed me, she even gave me a quiet, sly smile.
“This time around, you can be the principal wife’s daughter and suffer all that misery.”
02.
I knew why Shen Wanyong had said that.
In our previous life, she had been determined to become the principal wife’s daughter and had eagerly thrown herself into Madam’s arms.
But after entering Madam’s courtyard, she realized just how naïve she had been.
Though Madam was Father’s legal wife, he didn’t favor her, and her entire courtyard was cold and desolate.
Madam herself had no skill at competing for his favor and had no idea how to please Father. She didn’t even bother trying; she spent her days cultivating herself in the Buddhist shrine.
Under Madam’s care, Shen Wanyong was kept on a very tight leash.
Before dawn, a maid would wake her so she could wash and change before heading to the girls’ school in the capital to study under a teacher.
She wasn’t allowed to rest when she got home, either. Madam personally supervised her as she learned to use the abacus and read account books, working tirelessly until nightfall.
Shen Wanyong suffered terribly.
Especially when she was struggling over the account books, while I went with Consort Zhao to the opera.
When her hand hurt from writing, Consort Zhao would take me out on a spring outing to fly kites.
And when we grew older and attended the capital’s elegant gatherings, Consort Zhao would dress me up like a peach blossom. I could sing and play the zither, and all the young noblemen in the capital were captivated by me, calling me the capital’s greatest beauty.
As for Shen Wanyong, no one paid her any attention. She had no talents, and the things Madam had taught her were of no use at gatherings like these.
Fortunately, Shen Wanyong at least had the status of a principal wife’s daughter, which gave her an advantage when it came to marriage proposals.
So after she fell for the young marquis of the Marquis of Xuanping’s household, she refused food and drink and knelt before Madam. “Mother, please go to the marquis’s household and arrange a match for me right away.”
But Madam paid no heed to her plea. She said coolly, “You’re not old enough yet. We can discuss this later. Besides, you’re so crazed with infatuation that you’re bound to bring disaster upon yourself. I sentence you to copy the Heart Sutra thirty times in the Buddhist shrine.”
While Shen Wanyong was being punished by copying the Heart Sutra in the Buddhist shrine, I was at an elegant gathering, dancing the Lùyāo Dance that Consort Zhao had taught me.
Consort Zhao had been a dancer, and the Lùyāo Dance was her signature art. She taught it to me herself. Dancing among the flowers, every gesture and smile of mine was graceful and enchanting, captivating countless young noblemen.
They say that day, everyone in the capital was enchanted by me—even the young marquis Shen Wanyong had long yearned for was moved by my dance.
By the time Shen Wanyong finally made it out of the Buddhist shrine, a marriage proposal from the marquis’s household had already been delivered straight to the Shen residence.
The young marquis’s mother had come to arrange the match. The old madam smiled kindly. “I know the second young lady is the principal wife’s daughter but was raised by a concubine. That’s no problem. I’m a principal wife’s daughter myself, and I don’t care about legitimate or illegitimate status. What matters most is that my son is happy.”
Shen Wanyong went mad.
She carried a barrel of oil into my room and set it ablaze.
We died together in the sea of flames, then were reborn together.
This time, she chose Consort Zhao without hesitation.
She told me, “In our Shen household, being the principal wife’s daughter is a joke. You can go suffer with that wretched old woman.”
03.
Madam’s household really was a miserable place.
Everyone in the capital knew my father favored his concubines over his wife.
It was only because we were young in our previous life that we hadn’t realized it.
When I entered Madam’s room, it felt like a snow cave. There wasn’t a single ornament; apart from the tables, chairs, and other furnishings, there was only a Buddha statue and an incense burner.
With her eyes closed as she worshiped the Buddha, Madam asked me through the faint scent of incense, “You’re very disappointed, aren’t you?”
Given my elder sister’s temper in our previous life, she would have walked into this room and written the word “disappointed” all over her face.
Who would have thought that a household’s principal wife, once out of favor, would have fewer furnishings in her room than a concubine?
Consort Zhao’s room, after all, was gilded and inlaid with jade, grand and luxurious.
But I calmly added a piece of agarwood to the incense burner. “Your daughter thinks a quiet room can bring clarity to the heart. No matter how much gold and jade there is, it can’t compare to the sunlight coming through the window.”
Just then, sunlight quietly spilled across the floor.
Madam raised her brows slightly and turned to look at me. A flicker of surprise seemed to pass through her eyes.
She hadn’t expected me to say that.
“What an interesting girl.” She spoke coolly. “Very well. Since you’ve come to live with me, I’ll teach you from now on.”
“I’m very strict, and you may not like what I teach you.”
I bowed my head. “Whatever Madam teaches, Ning’er will learn.”
04.
Stacks of account books piled up like mountains before me, with an abacus set on the table.
Madam held a ruler, her expression cool. “You must pay attention. If you lose focus more than three times, I’ll strike your palm.”
Learning to keep accounts was truly tedious.
Unlike poetry about love, these numbers gave me a headache. What counted as income, what counted as expenses—just keeping them straight was hard enough, let alone figuring out what they meant.
I often grew drowsy, and then Madam’s ruler would come down on my palm.
It didn’t really hurt, but it jolted me wide awake all the same.
Madam put away the ruler and asked softly, “Is it very hard?”
I shook my head, thought for a moment, then nodded. “It is very hard.”
Madam’s gaze darkened.
I went on, “But I know that if I don’t learn these things, then after I marry and become the mistress of a household, anyone could use my ignorance to bully or deceive me. That would be much harder.”
“Everyone has to suffer. I’d rather suffer through studying than suffer because I’m ignorant.”
Madam raised her brows slightly.
She was, in truth, a very beautiful woman, her features still holding traces of the grace she’d had in her youth.
But now she wore plain Buddhist robes, and the heavy sorrow she carried made her seem old.
I truly liked her. Though she was always cool toward me, whenever the weather turned cold, she would quietly come in the middle of the night to tuck my blankets around me, then quietly leave again.
But my father didn’t like her, and rarely came to our courtyard.
One evening, my father finally came.
He visited Madam once a month, out of respect for his principal wife.
That day, the servants in the courtyard bustled about happily, and the place felt much livelier than usual.
But this time, before my father had been seated for even half an hour, singing drifted in from outside the courtyard:
“Black hair like a crow’s feather, a brow as narrow as a little lotus petal. Afraid my mother will suspect if I don’t dress up, I pin in a gold hairpin—half loose, half askew.”
My father couldn’t help asking a servant, “Who’s singing?”
The servant replied, “Concubine Zhao is teaching Miss Wanyong to sing.”
A little while later, Concubine Zhao entered, trailing a waft of perfume.
She was dressed flamboyantly herself, and Shen Wanyong, whom she led by the hand, was just as gaudily dressed.
“Lord Shen, you heard Wanyong sing, didn’t you? Wasn’t she even better than I was in my youth?”
My father’s expression softened. “I remember when you first met me at the pavilion in the middle of the lake. You sang this very song.”
Concubine Zhao said shyly, “I can’t believe you still remember, Lord Shen.”
“My singing isn’t what it used to be, but at least I can teach it to our daughter. Wanyong, take your father inside and sing it for him one more time.”
Shen Wanyong immediately stepped forward obediently and took hold of my father’s sleeve. “Father, Concubine and I have missed you so much. We’ve prepared fruit tea in our courtyard. Would you come listen to me sing while you enjoy some?”
With Wanyong and Concubine Zhao beaming on either side of him, it took only a moment for them to lead my father away.
Only silence remained in Madam’s room.
Several maids couldn’t hide their disappointment—Master came only once a month, and now he’d been stolen away.
“Madam, should we serve the dishes?”
There were many dishes tonight. The small kitchen had made them especially because they knew Master was coming.
Before Madam could speak, I stood up.
“Of course we should. Why wouldn’t we?” I said. “If Father won’t eat, we will.”
“What, just because no man is here, we women aren’t allowed to eat? Serve it all—every last dish! They made pearl-and-eight-treasures stew tonight, didn’t they? It’s my favorite. I could eat a whole pot by myself.”
My words lifted the maids’ spirits, and they immediately began serving the food. The whole room grew lively again.
Madam looked at me for a long moment, then, rarely, let out a laugh:
“Good. You’re a girl with spirit.”
From then on, Madam often had the small kitchen make that pearl-and-eight-treasures stew.
I ate countless bowls, but I still never saw my father again.