I acted with her again in “Auntie Ngo: Hot and Xiao Zhang: Passionate,” “Harry Zhang and Auntie Ngo’s Sorcerer’s Stone,” and “I’m Not Auntie Ngo.”
After we finished “Kung Fu Auntie Ngo,” I asked, “Now can you tell me where the trash is?”
She said, “Don’t rush, Auntie Ngo. It’s not time yet.”
I imitated Tony Leung’s voice in “Infernal Affairs”: “You said three years. Then three years later, it was another three years. And three years after that, another three years. It’s been almost ten years, boss.”
She stood up and slicked back her hair. “I’m the only one in this dungeon who knows where the trash is. I’ll go back and dispose of it, so you don’t need to worry.”
She glanced at me. “I’ll tell you after the next time we act together.”
I looked at her. “Stop messing with me. I’ve heard that line eight thousand times already.”
She made a face. “The original line was more than nine thousand times, Auntie Ngo.”
I lightly tapped her on the nose. “I know. I was just kidding.”
She shuddered and took two steps back. “Auntie Ngo, I think you’re a little dangerous.”
I looked at her. “What’s dangerous?”
She said, “Just now, you looked way too much like the male lead in a romance movie. I’m afraid you have ulterior motives toward me.”
Well… if you overlooked her compound eyes, which looked like a fly’s, the pointy wasp-like tail, and the fine hairs on her face…
Even so, I couldn’t ignore the fact that she was female.
I smacked my forehead. “What am I thinking? I’m a man who likes women… No, you’ve got me so confused. I’m a woman who likes men.”
She smiled faintly. “Then I’m relieved.”
I looked at her seriously. “Really, if there’s any trash, tell me. I’ll help you clean it up.”
Trash in a dungeon doesn’t mean ordinary garbage. It means things the NPCs consider trash.
The existence of trash was an immense nuisance to them.
She laughed exaggeratedly. “Next time, okay? Definitely next time.”
5.
The Blood Moon Dungeon, a few days later.
“Xiao Zhang, what should we do now?”
[Dungeon: Blood Moon.]
[The villagers of Guyue worship the moon. Whenever the Blood Moon appears, they hold their annual grand festival.]
[Players, find a way to escape the night of the Blood Moon.]
I looked at the brilliant full moon in the sky and the streets gradually growing busier, feeling a little confused.
I hadn’t been paying attention to the time, and the dungeon had already started.
Xiao Zhang tossed me a set of clothes. “There’s no time to get you out now, Auntie Ngo. Stick close to me. Players are dangerous.”
Fine. I’d have to play an NPC this time.
I changed clothes and looked at her. “Can you change my face a little?”
Xiao Zhang gave me a strange look. “I didn’t know Auntie Ngo cared about her appearance.”
I said, “It’s not that. A player came looking for me in the real world, and it caused a big stir. If I don’t disguise myself, it’ll be a real problem if someone recognizes me.”
“Oh, that… I don’t know how to do makeup, but I remember there’s someone in the dungeon who specializes in cleaning up corpses. I’ll grab him and have him put makeup on you.”
To be safe, I found a scarf and covered myself from just below the eyes down.
Xiao Zhang led me through the alleys, and we soon reached a thatched hut.
There was a corpse in the hut, with a few flies buzzing around it.
The middle-aged man doing makeup on the corpse frowned. “Goddess, the sacrificial ceremony is coming up. Why are you here?”
These temporarily generated NPCs lacked full consciousness. They appeared whenever a dungeon opened and disappeared when it ended. They were the main force that kept the dungeons running.
Xiao Zhang said, “Do her makeup for me. Change her physical features.”
The middle-aged man looked at me and said to Xiao Zhang, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in the village.”
She said impatiently, “You talk too much. If I tell you to do her makeup, then do it. Who’s the boss here, you or me? Make me angry, and I’ll offer you to the Moon God.”
The middle-aged man’s eyes lit up, as if to say, “There’s a perk like that?”
Xiao Zhang slapped her forehead and said to me, “I forgot that’s a reward for them.”
She changed her tune. “If you don’t do her makeup, I’ll revoke your right to take part in the sacrificial ceremony.”
So, under the middle-aged man’s mournful gaze, I sat down in a rattan chair while he brought out his tools.
Willow branches, muddy water, sand, white lime…
I looked at Xiao Zhang. “Isn’t using these things for makeup a little too… rough?”
She held me firmly. “Bear with it, Auntie Ngo. There’s nowhere in this dungeon to find an eyebrow pencil or foundation…”
I thought for a moment. Whatever. As long as it covered my face.
As long as no one recognized me in the real world, I could put up with anything…
“Hey! Why are you holding a knife?”
The middle-aged man looked innocent. “I was going to reshape her eyebrows. Why are you getting so worked up?”
Reshape my eyebrows with a knife?
I looked at Xiao Zhang. “Were you secretly laughing just now?”
Xiao Zhang covered her mouth and pretended to touch her nose. “Don’t worry, Auntie Ngo. I’m here, so he absolutely won’t dare lay a hand on you.”
When my makeup was done, Xiao Zhang handed me a mirror. As soon as I looked, I saw that I resembled someone from the Stone Age. Calling me a newly unearthed relic from Sanxingdui wouldn’t be an exaggeration.
If I had a little more hair on my body, I could climb a tree and pass for a monkey.
Xiao Zhang’s face was practically splitting with laughter as she patted my shoulder. “Auntie Ngo, does this completely meet your requirements?”
The corner of my mouth twitched. “I think this makeup isn’t just offensive. It’s downright insulting.”
With this makeup, I looked like I’d traveled back thousands of years and turned into a primitive human. I’d definitely stand out in the dungeon.
“I think I’d better cover my face.”
I wrapped my clothes around my face a few times, but then I found it hard to breathe and had to take them off.
As we walked, I noticed Xiao Zhang’s expression change, turning extremely serious.
A group of people by the roadside were watching us.
I whispered, “Are those players?”
Players and NPCs are easy to tell apart. Players usually wear their own clothes, which contrast sharply with the NPCs in the dungeon.
Xiao Zhang nodded. “That’s right, they’re players. But don’t treat them like players when you talk to them. We’re NPCs in this dungeon now. Auntie Ngo, you can’t go OOC this time.”
That was right. If they noticed anything strange, I’d be in a lot of trouble.
“I’ll be careful,” I said.
As we passed the group of players, one of them called out to us. “Hello. We’ve come from far away. Is there anywhere around here we can stay?”
Xiao Zhang looked at him. “There’s nowhere to stay here. If you want to settle down, go to the eastern woods and cut timber to build a house. Our village’s festival is in three days, so please leave before then.”
The man asked, “What will happen if we don’t leave?”
Xiao Zhang said coolly, “Probably something pretty bad.”
Xiao Zhang pulled me away. I vaguely heard the players discussing how to get out of here within three days.
Once we were far away, I asked, “Can they get out in three days?”
Xiao Zhang looked at me. “If they can get out in three days, they’re idiots.”
I thought for a moment, then asked, “Why?”
“Because the objective of this dungeon is ‘Find a way to survive the Blood Moon night.’ If they choose to leave before then, they’ll be considered to have failed the mission. And the result… well, of course…”
She made a cutting motion across her throat.
I nodded. “Got it.”
Good thing I wasn’t a player, or I’d definitely have died because of that word trap.
Xiao Zhang opened the door to the house by the village entrance. “This is an A-rank dungeon. The players’ completion rate has to be kept between 10 and 30 percent. Any higher or lower, and there’ll be a punishment. So, Auntie Ngo, don’t blame me for being so ruthless with them.”
I nodded. “I understand. They made their own choice. If they were determined to come here to fulfill their wishes, they have to take responsibility for whether they live or die. I’m not going to pity them just because I’m human too.”
She looked at me in surprise. “I thought Auntie Ngo was the kind of person with boundless compassion, like a saintly mother.”
I gave her a helpless look. “Why do you think I’m like that?”
Xiao Zhang looked me in the eye. “Because you’re a good person, Auntie Ngo.”
I looked at her. “You didn’t say that before the dungeon started.”
She wrinkled her nose. “That’s because you abandoned me to go have fun, you awful woman!”
The reason was that I’d been busy helping a friend prepare for her wedding, and I’d disappeared for a long time without remembering to tell her.
She’d spent half an hour scolding me.
I’d nearly become a social recluse, and her attitude was the complete opposite of Xiao Li’s.
As a result, by the time the dungeon opened, there wasn’t enough time to do anything.
And now we were in this situation.
While a dungeon is in progress, opening its entrance is strictly forbidden because time in the dungeon and time in the real world aren’t synchronized. Opening it could have very serious consequences.
It was like two vehicles—a bus and a high-speed train—traveling side by side. Trying to step from the bus onto the train would be nearly impossible.
Only when the dungeon ended and time realigned could we get out.
I had a feeling my boss would give me an earful when I got out.
Something was wrong. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.
Why had the dungeon suddenly opened?
6.
Late at night.
In the dilapidated old house, Xiao Zhang stood guard at the door.
I yawned. “You’re still not asleep?”
She turned to look at me and asked in surprise, “Auntie Ngo, why aren’t you asleep yet?”
I rubbed my tired eyes. “I was waiting for you.”
She looked at me. “But I’m standing guard for you. I was afraid you wouldn’t feel safe going to sleep.”
“Huh?”
I widened my eyes. “I thought you were keeping an eye on the players.”
Well, I guess birds of a feather really do flock together.
We really were two peas in a pod.
I said, “Forget it. I’m not worrying about you anymore. I can’t keep my eyes open.”
But I’d barely closed my eyes when I heard a soft snore.
I tossed and turned, then opened my eyes. In the moonlight, I saw Xiao Zhang fast asleep by the door.
Young people really do sleep well. She’d just lain down and already she was out.
I got up, took off my coat, and draped it over her.