1.
I, Ngo Tu Du, am the only cleaner in this horror game.
When I eagerly stepped into the dungeon’s backstage area, the boss—with his forty-two-pack abs—glanced at me and said, “You’re early.”
I gave an awkward smile. “Boss, I’ll try to come even earlier next time.”
It was already 9:10, and thinking about it, I did feel a little guilty about my base salary of twenty thousand a month.
He shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. Starting work at 9:10 is way too early. I want to add a new rule: from now on, you can’t come in before ten in the morning.”
“Huh?” I stared at him in surprise. Before this, he’d said no overtime and insisted I leave by 4:30 p.m. Now he wouldn’t even let me come in early…
I looked at him. “Boss, you might as well kill me. When am I supposed to have time to clean the dungeons, then?”
He thought for a moment. “All right, I’ll compromise. You can’t come in before 9:30.”
I was adamant. “No. I demand to start work at eight in the morning.”
All thirty-one of his heads swayed in unison. “The day begins in the morning. Time is precious, and I can’t accept you wasting it by coming to work.”
Usually, when he shook all thirty-one heads, it meant there was no room for negotiation.
I sighed, picked up my four “magic treasures,” and got ready to enter the dungeon.
The boss called after me, “Why don’t you try a little harder?”
I turned around hopefully. “Could we make it eight o’clock instead?”
He shook his head. “No. But we could make it nine.”
“Yeah!”
I grabbed my broom and raced around the lobby, cheering, “Boss, you’re the best!”
But then I thought about it. What was I so happy about? Before, I’d only wanted to sleep until noon.
The boss looked at me. “I think Xiao Li is starting to rub off on you.”
Xiao Li is an NPC in the Old Castle dungeon who spends all day jumping around and rolling on the ground. I just finished cleaning its dungeon last week. I was exhausted to death.
But I gave it a trash can, so cleaning up next time should be much easier.
As for being influenced… Well, I guess the little rascal has rubbed off on me a bit.
I changed the subject. “Boss, I admit I exaggerated a little when I said I cleaned ten dungeons in two days. But I still think I’m terrifyingly good. A famous person once said that there aren’t many cleaners in this whole world who can match me.”
“The famous person you mean wouldn’t happen to be Xiao Zhang from the Blood Moon dungeon, would it?”
The boss gave me a strange look. “She’s always making things up. In every true thing she says, there are ten lies; in every lie, there isn’t half a truth. You’d be better off believing I’m Qin Shi Huang than believing her.”
I frowned and studied him. “I don’t think you look much like Qin Shi Huang.”
He looked at me and fell silent for a moment. “You should go clean the dungeon.”
2.
Blood Moon Dungeon.
Xiao Zhang crossed her arms, carrying herself like a great hero. “Auntie Ngo, you’ve finally arrived.”
I asked, “Is today Gu Long or Jin Yong?”
She shook her head. “No. Today’s a sweet xianxia drama called ‘Domineering Auntie Ngo Loves Me.’”
The corner of my mouth twitched, and I edged toward the door. “I have something to do. I should get going.”
“Don’t go!”
She turned to look at me, her eyes as complicated as a fly’s, and coaxed, “Auntie Ngo, play along with me for a little while. Or we can change it to ‘I Love Domineering Auntie Ngo.’”
I just wanted to ask: could someone tell me what the difference between those two was?
I looked at her. “Can we do something else?”
She propped her chin on her hand and thought. “I’m afraid you couldn’t handle any complicated roles.”
I said, “It’s fine. I don’t mind if I can’t handle it. Something ordinary is fine.”
She thought for a moment. “Then let’s act out the story of Auntie Ngo, the sweeping monk, and Xiao Zhang, the nun. Princess Xiao Zhang’s kingdom was destroyed, and to escape her enemies, she shaved her head and became a nun. By chance, she met Auntie Ngo, a monk who swept the floors, and with Auntie Ngo’s help, she eventually restored her kingdom. She promised to make Auntie Ngo a marquis, grant her a thousand acres of fertile land, thousands of bolts of silk, and countless gold and silver treasures, thinking that would repay the debt. But Auntie Ngo had no interest in power and position, and only wished to worship Buddha by the light of a lamp…”
At this point, she suddenly teared up. “Auntie Ngo, I’ve given you everything. Why won’t you stay and help me?”
2.
“I agree. Tell me more about those thousand acres of fertile land, thousands of bolts of silk, and countless treasures in gold and silver.”
I looked at her seriously. Who would turn down an offer like that?
I used to work myself to the bone for a salary of five thousand. It took two years to get a raise to just over six thousand. My boss PUA’d me every day, and in the end, I got fired.
It’s hard to put into words when I think back on it.
Xiao Zhang waved both arms like a big goose, her little face pinched like a bitter melon. “That’s OOC, Auntie Ngo.”
OOC—I understood. It meant a character acting out of character.
I said, “Sorry, I got a little too caught up playing myself. Let’s start over.”
She adjusted her emotions and slipped back into character. “Auntie Ngo, I won’t let you leave. Someone like you—if you can’t serve me, then I’ll destroy you!”
I shook my head. “I am but a humble monk who sweeps the floors.”
Something about it felt a little off.
I continued, “Why must you cling so stubbornly to this, benefactor?”
“Hmph!” She snorted.
“You refuse the good wine and insist on the cheap stuff! Guards, lock Auntie Ngo in the imperial prison!”
What’s cheap wine, miss?
I sighed quietly and looked around. There didn’t seem to be anyone else. I asked in a low voice, “What am I supposed to do next?”
She whispered, “Listen to my narration and follow along.”
I nodded.
She put on a voice and spoke in a eunuch’s low, ducklike croak. “Disaster! Auntie Ngo is highly skilled in martial arts. The guards couldn’t capture her and got beaten black and blue!”
I swung my broom along with the story, as if Sun Wukong were playing around with his Ruyi Jingu Bang.
Xiao Zhang wore an expression of three parts sorrow and three parts helplessness, and staggered as she said, “Auntie Ngo, how could you bear to leave me?”
I probably didn’t have a part in this scene.
She turned to address the empty air again. “Issue the order! Assemble a hundred thousand troops and sweep away all the garbage under heaven. I want Auntie Ngo to have not a scrap of trash left to sweep!”
I shuddered. What a wicked idea! Good thing this wasn’t real.
I leaned closer and asked, “Your Majesty Xiao Zhang, shouldn’t we wrap up this performance?”
She nodded. “We’re almost done. The two of us are starting to look a little awkward, anyway. We can pick it up again when there are more players next time. It’s a shame Auntie Ngo can’t play with me.”
I said, “The dungeons that are opening are too dangerous. I’m just an ordinary person.”
She nodded. “Auntie Ngo, are you about to leave?”
I murmured, “Yeah. I have to go to other dungeons.”
I’d never felt like there weren’t enough hours in a workday until now.
Xiao Zhang turned her back to me. “Go on, Auntie Ngo. It’s okay. I’m strong. I won’t secretly crawl out, turn the world upside down, have a nervous breakdown, and cry like a little bunny three times after you leave or anything…”
What kind of nonsense was that? The saying was “a wily hare has three burrows,” not “a bunny cries three times.”
I said, “I think I need to bring a copy of the Xinhua Dictionary so I can teach you how to use idioms correctly.”
Her expression changed. “It’s getting late, Auntie Ngo. You should go. No need to study—I can’t learn anything from a proper education anyway. Goodbye.”
She shoved me out the door and slammed it shut behind me.
Was she really that averse to studying?
The boss looked at me. “Well? Have you found the place that needs cleaning in the Blood Moon Dungeon?”
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
He smiled, revealing a forked tongue like a snake’s. “Keep at it. You don’t need to rush. You haven’t been at this job long. You’ll get faster once you’re used to it.”
“I hope so.” I picked up my broom and opened the Rainforest Dungeon door. The rain roared in my ears, and a leaf shielded me overhead.
The tree at the center spoke. “Who are you?”
3.
I replied, “I’m a cleaner for the game. My name is Ngo Tu Du.”
“A cleaner?”
It stirred gently, wrapped a vine around a piece of fruit, and held it out to me. “Would you like some?”
I declined. “No, thanks.”
It pulled the fruit back. “No visitors have come here in a long time. The last one was some guy who called himself the boss.”
I looked at it. “The boss came here before?”
“That’s right, but it was a long time ago. What was it he said then… Let me think.”
I waited quietly.
About five minutes later, the tree said, “He said the rules would be loosened in the future, so more players could make it through.”
More players could make it through?
I asked, “What were the rules like before?”
“The old rules?”
It sank into thought again. “I think they forced the players’ success rate as low as possible.”
It went on, “There was a range, I think… it was…”
I said, “It’s okay. No rush. Take your time.”
“Since I became a tree, my thoughts seem to have slowed down too.”
It thought for a moment. “The success rate used to be 20–30 percent. Now it’s 20–50 percent.”
I hadn’t forgotten that when the Black-and-White Cat Dungeon appeared, the boss had mentioned a former boss.
I asked, “Was he the one who set the old rules too?”
“Not him.” The tree swayed, seeming to shake its head, and a great shower of water fell from its branches.
“I remember it clearly. He was a ruthless tyrant. His policies changed constantly, but his exploitation of us never did.”
“He adjusted the time ratio, creating a huge gap between the dungeons and reality. In reality, every half hour that passed meant another dungeon had to open.”